Whipping the Foreigners
Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to be whipped 100 times. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alchohol eases pain, asked to have French beer on his back. The Englishman did they same with English beer. But the Irishman asked to put the Frenchman on his back!
Priests on a Hawaiian Vacation
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous bikini-ed blonde came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angelica."
Lack of Vision
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Old Lady & The Dollar
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
A seismologist, a meteorologist, and a fireman...
A seismologist, a meteorologist, and a fireman were P.O.W.s to a group of terrorists.
Before the day of their scheduled execution, they all agreed on escaping by shouting out something really loud to hopefully scare them off.
The next day the first one to be pulled was the seismologist. The terrorists put him next to a tree and aimed ther guns at his head. The leader said, "Any last words?"
The seismologist replied with a loud shout, "Earthquake!"
The terrorists got scared and ran, so the seismologist escaped.
The terrorists and grabbed the meteorologist. They put him next to a tree with guns pointed at his head. The leader said, "Any last words?"
The meteorologist replied,"Tornado!"
The terrorists got scared and ran away, so the meteorologist escaped.
The terrorists came back and went on to the last, the fireman. They put him next to the tree and pointed guns at his head. The leader said, "Any last words?"
The fireman replied, "Fire!"
So they shot him and he died.
A Father's Last Request
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.
In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. ''Why bother me?'' he asked. ''You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead.''
The pastor lost his cool. ''Yes,'' he snapped, ''But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin.''