JOKES

Lawyer’s Prayers.
There is a story about a lawyer who only says his prayers once in a year, New Year’s Day. The rest of the time he just jumps into bed, and says, “Ditto”.
Rotten apples
Customer: Three of those apples you sent me were rotten. I am bringing them back.
Storekeeper: That’s all right, madam. You needn’t bring them back. Your word is as good as the apples.
Greatest Financier.
Do you know that Noah was the greatest financier that ever lived?
How do you make that out?
“Well, he was able to float a company when the whole world was in liquidation.
Wall Street Broker.
A broker sought admission at the pearly gates.
“Who are you?” said St.Peter.
“I am a Wall Street Broker.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to get in.”
“What have you done that entitles you to admission?”
“Well, I saw a decrepit woman on Broadway the other day and gave two cents.”
“Gabriel, is that on the records?”
“Yes, St.Peter; it’s marked down to his credit.”
“What else have you done?”
“Well, I crossed the Brooklyn Bridge the other night and met a newsboy half frozen to death and gave him one cent.”
“Gabriel, is that on the records?”
“Yes, St.Peter.”
“What else have you done?”
“Well, I can’t recollect any thing else just now.”
“Gabriel, what do you think we ought to do with this fellow?”
“Oh, give him back his three cents and tell him to go to hell.”
Wife
“My wife is irritable; the least thing sets her off.”
“You are lucky at that, mine’s a self-starter.”