Monday, May 11, 2009


George and Laura Bush were on a private...
George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public speaking in Florida.
After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns to Laura and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of the airplane and make a person happy?"
Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of the airplane and make two people happy?"
George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know what I''''ll do! I''''ll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and make five people happy!"
The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why don''''t you both jump out of the airplane and make the whole world happy?!"
Pearly Gate Quiz
A stupid guy dies and goes to Heaven.The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?"The stupid guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd...."The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?"The stupid guy replies, "Howard."The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?"The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."
Liar Sermon
A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."
A jewish temple is looking for a
A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays. When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist. He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and sure enough, the next time the whole congregation was in temple, he had the hyptmatist perform.......
"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch," he said.
Then he accidently dropped the watch he said,"SHIT!!!!"
Then it took 3 weeks to clean up the temple.
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks.Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."
Work Genesis
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.'' And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.'' And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.'' And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.'' And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.'' And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.'' And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.'' And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how Shit Happens.
A setback in Iraqi-American relations
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

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