Monday, May 18, 2009

JOKES

THE DEVIL’S LAWSUIT
There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way. When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it. Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”
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The Lawyer Has an Accident
A lawyer just got home from work. As he stepped out of his BMW, a speeding car ripped off the door. As the lawyer jumped up and down cussing and swearing, a cop who was driving by stopped. He rolled down the window and said, “What's wrong?”
The lawyer replied, “That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off my BMW's door!”
The cop said, “You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your possesions. If you weren't blinded by greed, you would notice that your arm got ripped off!”
“Oh no!” cried the lawyer, “My Rolex!”
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Lawyer Brains
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’ So he asks the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?” The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”
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Don't Mess with the Judge
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunken guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?” The man said, “Here and there.” The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?” The man said, “This and that.” The judge then said, “Take him away.” The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?” The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”
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The Hit and Run Case
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
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Substituting Rats for Lawyers
Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests? Three reasons:
1. There are more lawyers then rats.
2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat will not do.
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Lawyers Off Bridge...
What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? Pollution. What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.

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